Found or Overheard Jokes, vol. one

I just heard this 'Little Johnny" joke while at church outside smoking a cigarette,

  

"Little Johnny is sitting in class, and the teacher says, "Today children, we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anyone have an example of a multi-syllable word?"Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" So Miss Rogers says, "Alright Little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?" And Little Johnny says, "Masturbate" Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow Little Johnny, that's a mouthful." And Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of fel-a-tio."

Isn't that a cute joke?  I thought it was adorable. 

Here's another one that I heard while on break at work,

      An elderly man wanted to get his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. So the doctor asked him : 'What was the problem?' and the elderly man said: 'Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Then the doctor interrupted him: 'Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!' The elderly man said: 'Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.'

I really liked that one too and also this last one I heard from the kid's bus driver yesterday.

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you d*ck is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

Funny right?

Anyway this has been Found or Overheard Jokes vol 1 here on Laughing at Life 

For more great jokes click link here for our Funny Jokes page.

     "

Strong Hard Wiener, are you giving her enough?

     If you video game guys really just don’t want to satisfy your women in bed like she wants and needs you too, that’s fine but listen up and trust me when I say that right now there's a guy out there somewhere already just waiting to give her his bigger thicker c*ck whenever she really needs or even wants it. 
      I'm exaggerating a little of course but some of these girls actually really do like sex, mine does, she loves my wiener. 
So all I'm saying is that whenever you notice her getting too horny.  Get in there and  slide some good wiener in strong and give her the good strokes, hard, and balls deep, every time...

3 things Monkey's do kid's can't...

That's it right there!  Everything that I want from my children all right there and clearly spelled out by monkey's in a way that even my kids can easily understand that I can hang on my refrigerator.

Just sit down, Shut your mouth, and mind your own damn business...

...Now all I need is a picture of a monkey who isn't knocking on his parents bedroom door every time that they try to have sex  

Pimpin's greasy but it ain't easy

     They say it’s hard out there for a Pimp and I can totally see why.  For one, Do you think an outfit like this rocks itself out?  Hell no it doesn’t.  It takes the skill of a true pimp to pull off this ensemble.  
     Some regular joe wouldn't even understand how to properly work a blinged out cane, or know how to carry a pimp cup.  Hell, not even Sir Elton John himself could pull off those bad ass pimp glasses. 
     Pimping is a delicate science.  Just being this fly is a full time job all by itself and that’s only a small part in the art of today’s pimp game.  A mere fraction of what makes a true Mack. 
     Being a pimp is really like having 7 or more jobs all at once. You’ve got marketing, management, talent scouting, Hoe smacking, cash collection, security, and running flawless game, and while doing all of that you better be damn sure your flyer than a jet plane with a sparkling golden grill and more gold accessory's than Mr. T in the eighties. .,

Romance Novels

     Why do women like romance novels?  Is it because chivalry is dead and they are in love with the fantasy of that lost world or that the women who read these books are just dense and so confused by life they prefer living in an alternate reality?  I am pretty sure its the latter.

     I guess it's no crazier than a true fantasy novel but my problem with it is I cant make monsters and elves etc. but girls can make the world the way it is in those books.  Women have the vagina's.  Vagina's are very powerful.  If they cut us off chivalry would be back instantly because we're just doing what they told us to do anyway like always.  We are essentially their slaves.  
     Instead of changing anything though they'd rather read trash novels that overuse the words thrust and glistening.  I'm sorry, but I just don't get it.  I mean in the 30's were trash novels books where women voted, wore slacks and had jobs?
     Come on girls, your so much smarter than us so why are you reading that garbage?  Wait, I think I've got it, those books are porn for women aren't they?  That's got to be it..,

The most horrible thing that I have ever seen...

     Childbirth isn't beautiful.  That is a dirty damn lie cooked up by women to trick us into going into that room with them.  It was absolutely horrible.  By far the very worst thing I ever saw in my entire life.  I still wake up screaming from it and all I did was watch and pray that my hand wouldn't crush from the death grip she had on it. 

     I thought I knew every curse word there was but I had never even heard half of the obscenities she used to describe me in that delivery room.  If looks could kill my penis would have been ripped off, she would have turned it into a knife with her mind, and then used it to stab me as many times as she could without killing me, then she would have set me on fire with her eyes and watched my wiener less bloody frame burn up with child-like delight.  I was terrified..,

Sex is harder for guys

     There is a ton of porn on the Internet and I am so thankful for that. 
     If that sentence offended you turn back now it only gets worse...OK then, 
     Porn is to me what Linus's blanket was to him.  I hardly ever look at it anymore really but I feel safer just knowing its there. 
     Plus I can't tell you how many times it has helped me release the poison so I could think clearly again.  Because being a chubby white guy with a face for radio my quest for tail hasn't always been an easy one.
     I imagine its much easier for girls.  But isn't everything?  I would think even a butt fugly girl can decide she's getting laid and make it happen with enough booze.  I know I've been with a few "vampires" myself.  For guys its not that easy.  I know I could never call it.  Most times I have sex its a total surprise for me.  I never see it coming..,

Hold on, I'm just a little tied up right now.

          I never did understand bondage as a fetish.  I can see that this picture is sexy but I want her to have use of her hands. 
     Hands are just so great and girls hands are the best.  So soft and silky and if the nails are done right, OMG, is that fantastic running down the old back?  So I want her hands free to explore.  You never know what they'll find and I say let em roam free and find out.
      Now I wouldn't mind being tied up but i think thats less of a sex thing and more of a lazy thing.  I'd eventually want my hands free though too lazy or not.  There is just too much going on during sex to take your hands completly out of the game.  I want all twenty digits in that bedroom working overtime.  I dont want anything stopping me. 
     I even put all of our clothes in a different room, just because once I have tricked her into getting naked and wrastlin' I don't need those damn clothes getting back between me and skin so why in the hell would I want rope stopping me? 
     I don't see a reason.  Maybe to look at but it's just not practical.  Its not even that hot really.  The only accesory I wanna see on a naked woman is jewlery and maybe some clear stripper heels with a come-hither smile.
     I don't judge though so don't take it that way, its just my opinion.  If you like that, fine but I just do not get it is all. 
     I don't understand taking any part of my girl outta the game right in the middle of the play-offs but like I said, thats just me.
    
Related funny posts you may also enjoy...

- Work Those Cones Ladies

- Curtains up
- Custom Orgasm Equipment

Stiff Willy's 4 All...

I think we've finally proven that our societies priorities are totally and completely F.U.B.A.R'd

     So have we achieved World peace?  Still haven't gotten to that one yet.  Feeding the hungry?  I am still really very busy, but it's on my list.  Finding an effective, cheap, renewable energy source?  Almost did that but something came up.  Housing the world homeless?  That one honestly just seemed like way too much work.  Curing Cancer?  I just didn't have time for that either.

     Those are all great causes for sure but I have just solved the most important problem facing humanity today. 

This ones big y'all. 

      My new discovery is triple huge, slightly bigger than anything else ever anywhere.  Its like splitting the atom and sliced bread combined to make the worlds most explosively awesome sandwich ever created by man.

     I have discovered how to make ANY wiener hard no matter how soft it may be. Hell, it may stay hard so damn long it's possible you might even need medical assistance just to get it soft again.

That's right everybody, I did it.  Three cheers for me.

Everything's going to be OK from now on y'all cuz I have saved the fkn day.

     Soon every single geriatric in nursing homes and hospitals coast to coast will pitch there very first tent since the Reagan administration. 

Game over Nerds.

           It's finally settled, I'm the best that has ever lived or ever will.  I win, keep my Nobel Prize, cash is all the thanks I need. 

Its party time, so pop your arthritis meds, pass the magic blue pills around for all because the first boner's on me!


More funny posts to try out are...
- Magic pills
- I get paid when?
- Fat Cheating Whore

   

Too Many Weiners

Sharing isn't always so good. 

It can sometimes go horribly wrong. 

Like awhile back I was dating this girl and one day she told me that she wanted us to have a threesome - with two guys.

...Well, FK THAT!

I'm sorry but I have a one exposed penis per room limit. 

The last thing I wanna see when I'm having sex is a guy at the other end.

I figure that if she needs something to suck on while we're having sex she can just have a Popsicle.

I flat out told her I didn't care that she wanted to get filled out like an application, I wasn't doing it.

My weiner always performs alone.

More funny posts to check out...

- Busted Button

- Custom Orgasm Equipment

Penis Piercing

Custom Orgasm Equipment

Women have all the best tools for masturbation.  Guy's don't get anything, all we have to spice up making love to our hands is Vaseline. 

But thankfully Vaseline is good enough to carry three different sizes which I appreciate.  I'm on a budget.

But girl's have it all. 

They have crotch rockets, vibrating panties, and they even have custom made vibrators like the one my Ex-Wife had.

She went out and got herself a 250 horsepower hot pink jackhammer. 

It was 22 inches long with a two handle grip. 

She had to mount it like a Harley.

And trust me, I knew that beast could replace me at any moment. 

This power tool delivered an orgasm in 30 seconds... 

I can't even last 5.

If I lasted 30 seconds I'd feel like Rocky Balboa. 

I'd be running around the bed, my arms up in the air screaming "YO ADRIAN, I DID IT!"

All while she's just laying there all bored...hasn't even taken her panties off yet.

She'd ask me if I'm ready and I'd be like am I ready?  Baby, I'm done. 

Then, like always, out comes that big ass vibrator.

And every time she pulled that monster out and kick-started it I would get so mad I felt like screaming. 

And I would've if I thought she could hear me over the engine.

Because, come on y'all, it's not my fault she couldn't keep up. 

If she had wanted someone that could keep up with her she woulda got a girlfriend.

Which would have also solved her weight issues 'cuz, if you think about it, you don't really see that many fat Lesbians. 

Which is strange because all they ever talk about is eating out.



More funny posts we think you'll like...
- Let the panties hit the floor 
- Penis piercing
Arguing With Crazy People

Married Frustration

You start your engines, take off for battle, but before you reach your objective, you get shot down.
Rejection is hard for any guy to deal with. 
But if your married it hurts the worst because we get shot down by friendly fire.
The single man's enemy is just a drunken face in the crowd.
But after the married get shot out of the sky we still have to sleep next to our enemy. 
Hell, we even have to tell them we love them before they turn their backs on us.
If a single guy gets shot down at the bars it might hurt for a second but he still has lots more drunk chicks to choose from and plenty more chances to score.
But, When your married and your wife shoots you down, the battle is completely fkn over.  Because that was our only plane.
Now we're left with nothing but our hands.
And I'm sorry but It's just not right for a married man to have to make love to himself.
This isn't what I signed up for.  I didn't get married to masturbate.  I got married for sex.
Sure I love her but why would I agree to sleep right next to a woman that I can't have, voluntarily, forever?
They don't tell you but that's what marriage is, you buy the car and suddenly you can't drive it.
It's right there, you can look at it, you want to drive it, it looks fun, your making the payments, but she has the damn keys.
It's a crime.
You should be able to call the cops when you wife cuts you off.
It should be illegal.  It's very own option on 911.
In a perfect world this is how it would be...
"Hello 911, whats your emergency?"
"Yes operator, my wife has completely cut me off."
"You poor bastard, she didn't even offer you a handi J?"
"No ma'am, nothing, not even a glimpse of titty."
"Oh, you poor thing...our sex officer is on her way.  Stay on the line with me so that I can give you emergency phone sex till she arrives."

More funny posts we suggest...

- Arguing with crazy people
- Mixin up the times

Penis Piercing

The other day my wife was getting a butterfly tattooed on her ass and while they were working on her this guy walks into the shop and says he wants to get his penis pierced.  I couldn't believe my ears.  I was shocked but apparently guys get this done all the time.  Supposedly it feels good for women.   I've heard of being whipped but that's just a little extreme.
   I want to please my lady as much as the next guy but me and my penis have a deal. It's pretty simple, basically, I don't let anyone stab it with a needle.

     I would never do that unless they made a penis ring for it that looked like a baseball cap.  I think it would look awesome with a hat on.  Then I could spin his cap 'round backwards when it was time to get busy.  And I'd only date girls who were pierced down there too so I'd always have someplace to hang my hat. 

Anyways, the guy gets it done and as he's leaving, he walks straight into the door.

Without missing a beat my wife looks up at me and says, "Well, that's what he gets for putting a hole in his brain".

Other funny posts we suggest...

Magic Pills

Sex is harder for guys

Let the panties hit the floor!

    Ever since the time that I hit puberty I have had only one main goal in life.  And that goal is very simple.  From the first time my weiner stood up on it's own all I have wanted in this life is to get laid. 

From that point on my main goal and primary mission on this Earth was to get as many girl's out of their panties and into bed with me as I could as often as was humanly possible.   
     I have always loved women.  They really are literally all I ever think about and it's been that way as far back as I can remember.  I was fascinated with the beauty of women way before I ever even knew there was anything else to them besides being adorable and having the strange ability to make butterflies churn in my stomach by simply looking at me and somehow make me feel intoxicated with nothing but a silly little sideways smile. 
     You see it all started out very innocent.  I can even remember my first real crush.  As a child I was in love with Drew Barrymore.  She stole my heart when I first saw her in E.T. and back then I had no idea what sex even was all I knew was Drew was cute as hell and I liked her a whole lot. 
     At first I was satisfied with just kissing girls.  I had stumbled on kissing first and I loved it.  I wanted to kiss them all and was happy with that, until I finally felt my first breast. Then I had to have those as well.  One I felt up my first pair of those I thought I finally had it all.  
    But, my hands knew better and just kept right on groping and exploring greedily looking for more until one day they found it.  And once I finally got my hands inside a girl's panties I knew I'd found my true passion, I was hooked, fkn forget about it.  I knew that I had finally found it.  I knew from that very first touch of my finger of that joyous wonder I had found between that girls legs that I had found the promised land. 
    And from that glorious moment on, Vagina was all I thought about or wanted, and still is to this very day.  I pursued it restlessly all through my life and I would do absolutly anything for even a slim chance of getting myself some.
     And who could even blame me really?  I was in love.  Plus is there anything more beautiful than a naked woman?  And come on, I mean you tell me, what in this life is better than sex?  nothing I have found.  I challenge anyone to name one thing in the whole wide world that's better than a vagina.  
     Vagina's are just so fantastic.  I have found nothing at all in life thats better than being intimate with a woman.  Maybe being with two women at once might top it, but I'm smart enough to know I couldn't handle pleasing two women.  Hell, it took me most of a lifetime to begin to figure out how to handle just one at a time. 
     I imagine that any more than two naked women up close in my bedroom would probably just make my heart immediately sieze up and explode in my chest or at the very least my face would just simply freeze in an eternal mask of joy a huge grin on my face as I stared at them my mouth leaking a steady stream of drool out of one side.
     I simply just love sex.  Girls, let me tell you, what you have down there is absolutely magical.  Magical doesn't really even come close.  To properly describe the Vagina would take a poet.  I just don't posses the vocabulary to do it any justice.  If you've never had Vagina go out right now and try one for yourself.  I promise you will love it.  I very highly recommend it. 
    I can safely say that the Vagina is definitely my personal happy place on this Earth.  Every time that I get inside I'm overwhelmed with pleasure.  Afterwards I am always completly happy and content.  It's great, I love it.  but I am a very intimate person and always have been. 
     Hell, I love every single part of sex.  From the anticipation of it to the foreplay all the way through to orgasm. Every part of it absolutly fantastic, pure, simply amazing.  The whole experiance is just so unbelievably intense, satisfying and simply beautiful that I can't see how anyone wouldn't love it? 
     Sex is my favorite thing in the world and something that has only kept on getting better with time. 
     At first I knew literally NOTHING about what I was doing and was just learning and figuring things out as I went along.  I wasn't a cock master back in those days mearly just a cock apprentice.  I was just practicing as much as I could and slowly getting better every time.  
    Once I had finally figured it out I really thought there was no way it could possibly get better until I found out that it still could.  My sex life now is tremendous.   Better than it's ever been before by far.  Because now I'm in love. 
And when your in love the Vagina somehow gets even better.  Love gives it superpowers or something.  It's unreal how good it gets.  You cannot even compare casual sex with "real loving" sex.  
    Sex with real love behind it is the very best, most purely satisfying sexual experience you can possibly have.  Sex with someone you are truly in love with the other person is unreal.  The connection is hypnotic and beyond intense and the orgasms...OMG, the orgasms.
     Let's just say that sometimes sex is so damn intense that when I finally release it feels as if I exploded into her.  Like if I were to flip her over there would be an 8-inch hole that goes straight through her back and all the way through the mattress to the floor. But it can also be a pure form of loving intimacy so electric and deeply intense it's like your briefly sharing a soul.  In that moment your one.  I never thought or even imagined something so amazing could get not only so much better but morph into something all together different and magical but it obviously can.  And it has only gotten more and more so every day.
     Thank you so very much Lord for taking that rib from Adam and creating your masterpiece of flesh, the Woman, but more than than that thank you for sending me the one woman that makes me whole.  The one who completes me, as Jerry Maguire would say.  The missing piece to my life's puzzle.  The one and only soul truly meant for me.

P.S.  Also thanks for making her so unbelievably sexy on top of all the other things that make her so special and just simply amazing.

More funny posts to check out...

Custom orgasm equipment

Curtains up!

Work those cones ladies!

If you wanna give yourself a big smile while also giving out a smile, buy a pretty girl an ice cream cone.  If you do you'll find that everyone wins. 

I saw this picture and that David Lee Roth song about being an Ice Cream Man finally made perfect sense to me.  I can't believe I didn't see it before.  I have been so blind.  Its just such an easy and inexpensive way to actually please a woman and  a chance to store yourself a valuable little memory you can use for later all at the same time.  So the next time you see a girl with an unused tongue buy her a cone why don't you.  I promise you won't regret it.

More funny posts from L@L...

Custom Orgasm Equipment

Let the panties hit the floor!

Just a man

     News Flash Society -Tiger Woods is not the only man that loves sex and women.  It comes standard with most penises.  Any straight man given Tigers options could fall prey to our genitals just like he did.  Our penis owns us ladies.  I'm sorry but its a fact.  We are nothing but it's slave. 

     Why else do you think we are also yours?

     So just let the man play golf already.  Why is everyone, besides his wife and family of course, so mad anyway?  Is it because he proved he was actually just human after all. 

    

     Society is disgusting in its hypocrisy. 

     Desire and temptation is a weight on the back of every human being walking the planet including gifted athletes.  Maybe if people didn't idolize celebrities it wouldn't come as such a shock to find out they are just like everyone else when they tumble from the pedestals they should never have been placed upon.  It's fine to enjoy watching someone with true talent do what they do best but keep it in perspective is all i'm saying.  They do amazing things yes but they themselves are only Human.

     So I say grip it and rip it Tiger.  Damn the man!

More funny stuff from Laughing at Life...

STEEE-RIKE!!!

Swoosh!

A moment of silence.

     I love silence.  I get me some silence and I friggin' cherish it.  To just sit in the stillness and relax and just soak up the peace and quiet is heaven.  Probably because I hardly ever hear that beautiful sound.  You see, I am married with six kids.   

     Silence is like sex in that situation except even more rare than that because I can get sex with my wife when we can sneak it but silence is something even she can't give me. 

     Like children women have got to talk its in their genetics.  I think they must feel that if no ones talking time will split and fall in on itself or something.  It may even be because they are smarter than us guys.  We can turn off our feeble little minds but theirs seems to have a tighter off switch.  Plus she talks to six screaming kids all day and craves adult conversation when I get home.  She attacks me like a crack-head with a rock attacks his pipe when I walk through that door. 

     I don't blame her though those kids are vicious and relentless.  Every Monday I can't wait to go to work so I can't imagine doing what she does every day.  The least I can do is lend her my ear.  I can get silence when everyone is sleeping.  Sleep is overrated anyway.

Other funny posts...

Shut up stupid

Hogging the bed

You've decided to do what?!?

Kids are so damn rude!

     I love my kids more than anything in the world.  I'm a big fan of children in general.  I think they are awesome.  They, like all people, can also be cute little jerks though.
     They know they are adorable and that you love them and they TOTALLY take advantage of it.  They think they can get away with anything. 
     For example when my 9yr old was a baby he threw up right in my mouth.  And then you know what he did?  He laughed about it.  Can you believe that?  He laughed right in my face.  Didn't feel the least bit bad about it. Not even an "I'm Sorry".  Nothing but that laugh and knowing look.
     And I can't tell you how many times my kids have kept me up all damn night long.  They don't care, they don't have to go to work.  They can sleep all day long. 
     They don't even feel bad for you.  The thought never crosses their minds that hey Dad is cool and he has to get up really early like before the sun so lets be cool and go to sleep at a decent hour.  Hell no.  They don't ever think like that.  It's just me, me, me all day long.  It's always all about them.
     I'm thirsty, my toe hurts, my blankets too warm. Aaarrrggghhh!
     And then theres the best trick they do.  The real kick in the crotch. 
     How in the hell do kids know exactly when to interrupt sex?  They have a sixth sense for it.  I cant tell you how many times one of my kids has c***-blocked me.  Right in my own house and were talking well after bedtime.  Ridiculous.
     You really gotta admire that level of narcissism though I think.  It is admirable to think so highly of yourself.  To still believe the whole world revolves around you.  Its sweet.
     Let's lose the c***-blocking though cuz that is just really uncool.  I don't care how little you are, one more time and its on son.  I'll throw that door wide open and punch you square in the nose.

More funny posts...

Married frustration

Sex is harder for guys

Custom orgasm equipment

Socks and Sex

          I saw a recent survey in my imagination that asked if guys hated when there girl wore socks during sex.  Here's what I think about it...
     Who cares if she's wearing socks?  I'm getting sex.  
     I don't know if she's wearing socks unless she tells me.  Not that I don't do foreplay I just always spend my focus on the breasts.  I always mean to do more but I just get so darn excited.  Call me crazy but breasts are way more interesting and fun than feet.  Now if she wore a shirt I'd have a problem.

More funny from Laughing at Life...
My belly shows when I raise my arms
Magic Pills
Sex is harder for guys

Ron Jeremy

     A career I do not understand is Ron Jeremy's. 
     I'm not putting him down because I'm outta shape too but how the hell did he get so much work in porn industry being fat, hairy and ugly?
     The only theory I've heard is he's very well endowed.  And while that's true aren't there other guys lined up at that audition where he got his first part that have a big'n and aren't goofy looking.
     His movies are less sexual and more comical and often not on purpose.  There is just something ruthlessly absurd about a fat ugly guy coated in hair with all these beautiful women.  It's like a "One of these things is not like the other" from Sesame Street. 
     Its so absurd its comical so maybe that's why.  He's large, funny and the viewer figures he could get that girl cuz shit, Ron got her.  She must be blind as a bat and love fur if she's with him so id definitely have a shot. 
     That's gotta be it...he's porn's everyman.  The lovable underdog of the sex industry.

More Funny Posts...

Winning! Crazy w/Tiger's Blood

Dog the Bounty Hunter

Custom Orgasm Equipment