Waiting by Appt only

     Imagine getting to spend your whole day waiting.  Just sitting in an uncomfortable plastic chair with a whole library of last years lowest selling magazines right at your fingertips and your very own "All You Can Wait Buffet" to fill your otherwise empty day.  
You can stare blankly at fuzzy out of focus images of Daytime TV with no sound while enjoying breathing in a room full of germs and B.O..
  

     Exciting right?  You bet your ass it is.  The waiting room is so damn intense in fact that they have to move you to a second, smaller waiting room with even older, more obscure magazines and an even smaller TV just to get you wound down from the initial high.   

     This is the room where you get to really wait.  Just wait and let it soak in deep that your time is meaningless.  What else were you gonna do today?  Nothing thats what.  Fall in line with the other robots.  Why are you trying to be all elegant?

    

     Telling time with numbers and fancy clocks...

You must think your someone special, like a Doctor. 

Other related funny posts we recommened are...

- Stiff willys for all

- Weights are heavy
- Stiff Willy's 4 All!

Stiff Willy's 4 All...

I think we've finally proven that our societies priorities are totally and completely F.U.B.A.R'd

     So have we achieved World peace?  Still haven't gotten to that one yet.  Feeding the hungry?  I am still really very busy, but it's on my list.  Finding an effective, cheap, renewable energy source?  Almost did that but something came up.  Housing the world homeless?  That one honestly just seemed like way too much work.  Curing Cancer?  I just didn't have time for that either.

     Those are all great causes for sure but I have just solved the most important problem facing humanity today. 

This ones big y'all. 

      My new discovery is triple huge, slightly bigger than anything else ever anywhere.  Its like splitting the atom and sliced bread combined to make the worlds most explosively awesome sandwich ever created by man.

     I have discovered how to make ANY wiener hard no matter how soft it may be. Hell, it may stay hard so damn long it's possible you might even need medical assistance just to get it soft again.

That's right everybody, I did it.  Three cheers for me.

Everything's going to be OK from now on y'all cuz I have saved the fkn day.

     Soon every single geriatric in nursing homes and hospitals coast to coast will pitch there very first tent since the Reagan administration. 

Game over Nerds.

           It's finally settled, I'm the best that has ever lived or ever will.  I win, keep my Nobel Prize, cash is all the thanks I need. 

Its party time, so pop your arthritis meds, pass the magic blue pills around for all because the first boner's on me!


More funny posts to try out are...
- Magic pills
- I get paid when?
- Fat Cheating Whore

   

Busted Button

Being fat can be hard. 

A lot of embarrassing things can happen to you when your fat. 

I think the most embarrassing one would have to be when the button busts off the front of your pants. 

It's embarrassing when that button goes.

  Especially when all you were doing was sitting there, watching TV. 

You weren't running or climbing a fence. 

You were just sitting there, watching TV, and your pants exploded. 

Those moments are tough because it's at those times that you realize how fat you've become. 

Like, the other day I was heading to the kitchen, and as I passed the bathroom I just happened to glance in the mirror. 

OH MY GOD!  I couldn't believe it. 

I thought some fat guy had broken in and was standing in my bathroom. 

Till I noticed he was wearing my shirt, and carrying my Twinkie. 

I was scared for a second though.  You have to be careful. 

Mirrors are scary when your fat.



Some more funny posts to check out...
Too many wieners
Gay dad

STEEE-RIKE!!!

Sport's designed for out of shape "athlete's"

     Bowling, Golf, and basically any "sport" that you can be fat and still play at the same level as everyone else if not better than them are fantastic and it's even sweeter that our society actually accepts these games as true sports and the players as real athletes.  That to me is amazing.  I for one score this little phenomenon as a huge victory for the fat.

     It's nice to have competitive events in which the fat guy cannot so easily be counted out.  Where the fatty could quite possibly even whip a little ass.  We chubby folks don't have a whole lot of bigger athletes to look up to.  I woulda liked a poster of a kick-ass chubby bowler celebrating after winning a big tourney.  Mighta helped me deal with the whole "husky" pants thing as a kid.

     I love seeing fat people kick a little thin ass.  Those healthy people are just so damn arrogant.  It's fun to watch them get knocked down a peg or three.  So go get those thinny's my big athletes.  Whip them bad. 

     Who cares if your sport doesn't involve running?  You still kick ass!

Other funny posts from Laughing at Life...

Busted Button

Weights are heavy

Super-Size those fries

We need to finally, as a country, get together and decide just how fat we're gonna get.  We're all over the place on this one.  Fat, skinny, very fat, plump, dammit, make up your minds.  

I just wanna fit in.

There seems to be a majority of fatties so I'm on the right track but you skinny's are jerks you know that? Get on board already . 

They're always walking around in clothes that fit like there so special.  Meanwhile, I can't raise my arms without exposing my sexy hairy belly and I'm all out of belt to poke holes in to help my zipper hold these jeans together. 

But Quarter Pounders are buy one get one free right now and I'm not gonna waste a whole sandwich just because I'm full.  

I'm chubby but I'm not a quitter.

  Your jerks skinny people.  Eat a sandwich.

There is no good reason to be thin nowadays your just not even trying. 

You can't spit without hitting a McDonald's in this country and that shit will fatten you right up.  So head on into the Ol' McD's and when the girl asks if you wanna super-size you say,

 "Hell yes I do!,  and throw in a damn apple pie baby cuz them shits are delicious."

Laughing at Life also suggests...

Weights are heavy

Hogging the bed

Weights are heavy

     I just joined a gym and I quickly found out when you sit most of the time working out is hard.  Plus its seriously screwing with my smoking.  Seriously, the first day I worked out I came out and lit a cigarette on my way to the car and immediately threw up.  Ridiculous.   What kinda smoker can't hold his smoke in public?


     They say "No pain No Gain."  But I say avoiding pain is sane.  I believe the whole reason we have pain receptors is to know what NOT to do.


     Also where is the beginners gym with people in it who look like me?  I look like a freak in that place walking around sweating just because I'm walking around.  Already out of breath and sweating just from glancing at the stair-climber.


     Will I look like these people soon or is it that someone like me joins and these people break your spirit so they can have the place all to themselves?


     I think these gyms give free memberships to the genetically gifted to lure you in and those same people intimidate you into leaving once you've paid.  If not these freaks should have to wear before pics on their t-shirts to make us fatties feel better.


     In all seriousness though I really like the gym so far.  I go really early is probably why.  None of the genetic freaks are there yet to preen around and make me feel like a failure and I'm free to be a weakling without embarrassing myself.  Its uncomfortable to be big like me but also weak like a pre-pubescent girl.  I'm the kind of strong you get from sitting still and I'm that kind of big too.  Its misleading to the eyes to see my 240lb 6ft tall frame straining to curl 20lbs dumbbell's.  Especially since everyone knows you just started and this is only rep five set one and your already sweating and grunting like a rookie sailor after lights out.

     I do sweat like a pig.  Its awful.  So after working out I need a shower.  This is another area where coming in early works out good because being less than well endowed I am shy.


     I feel I should clarify for the ladies.  I wouldn't say its small but whether y'all realize this or not some guys just dangle better.  I have never been a dangler.  I'm a grower but no dangler.  Game time I sprout right up like a champ but pre-game he mostly just kicks it inside.  He's a scruncher my Lil guy.  Some guys are blessed with wieners that look good soft but I'm not one of them. 

     So basically I'm shower shy.  I am not comfortable parading around naked anywhere much less in public so showering at the gym presents its challenges.  That is a scary couple of seconds for me between dropping the towel and pulling up the drawers.  it all happens so fast but it feels like days that my wiener is just exposed.  Just out there in the breeze representing the scared turtle wiener crowd.

     All in all the gym membership is going great.  Its only been two weeks though.  Lemme make it through six months and 20lbs before we call it a success but its a start and any forward motion is good.  I really hope I stick with it this time and the genetic freaks and large wienered locker room streakers don't run me off to hide in my old world of TV and Twinkies.  Because quite frankly I'd love to see my wiener while it still works without a damn mirror to get the angle.

More funny posts...

Too many wieners

Stiff willy's 4 all

WTF?!?

    
    

Why is everything bad for you so good?

       Almost everything I like is either fattening, gives you cancer, or can outright kill you. 
     I seem to love alot of things that are unhealthy. 
     I like healthy things too.  like bananas are good.  I gotta agree with monkeys on that one I like bananas and sometimes orange juice is good but its always better with Vodka.

     My favorite things are gonna kill me and you know what...
     I don't care.

     I have been dying ever since I was born.  Every breath of fresh air is one more tick off the clock so pass the booze and nachos because it's on.

     Plus almost all my vices go together so to give up one id have to give up many and that's just unacceptable. Life might end up being longer but isn't the important thing the quality of it and not the quantity?  Sure I could live to be 100 but if I gave up everything I loved did I really live at all or did I just exist? 
     I'd much rather get the most enjoyment I can legally get out of life before God punches my ticket than live in fear of what I enjoy denying myself joy in the hope that I'll get a few more extra years on the planet.  Also from what I've heard Heaven kicks ass!  So I think instead of living in fear I'll do what I want and enjoy what makes me happy.

     Like cigarettes.

     I love my cigarettes and they go great with almost EVERYTHING.  Id have to give up sex, alcohol, driving, food, hell everything with that one.  All my vices go with my smokes so no way health freaks.  Not doing it. So back off me because the only thing I don't do with a cigarette is swim and trust me, Marlboro's on it.  And soon as they figure how to keep one lit underwater you can bet your ass ill be underwater smoking.  I mean how cool does that sound?  Me and a fish just kicking it on a smoke break.  Doesn't that sound fkn awesome?

     Then there's my soda.

     No way I'm ever giving that up.  My doctor could tell me tomorrow, "Shawn, If you don't give up soda your gonna lose your foot to diabetes."  And with no thought at all I'd immediately say to him, "Well Doc, which one you want and where's the nearest Coke machine?" 

     I couldn't even consider giving up soda.  For one its just sooooo damn good.  Two the bubbles feel pleasant on my tongue and three I love it.  So get over it Doc.  And don't even mention switching to diet because you can stick that diet crap where the sun don't shine.  That diet sh@ts nasty.  People say you get used to it but I'm sorry sugar just kicks way too much ass.

     Then theres my fried food.

     There's another one I'll NEVER give up.  Give up french fries?  Never.   Fkn forget about it.  There's just no way.  And my Double Quarter Pounders?  Never. Not ever am I gonna give them up. 
     I love my fried food.  I have never eaten something fried and not liked it.  I'm pretty sure you could fry a book and it'd taste good.

     They also say alcohol is a bad one too but...

    NOPE.  Not giving up that either.  Why?  What for?  I need it.  Otherwise I'd have to bang my head on rocks just to take a break from reality and relax.  Plus what would I drink with my chicken wings? 
     Oh, chicken wings, another delicious fried food that theres no way in hell I'm ever giving up.

     People will say, "Well don't you wanna live a long life?"  And to that I say, "Hell no I don't.  Why would I wanna be old? 

     Old people make me sad.  That sounds ignorant but think about it.  I don't feel any different in my mind but I can feel the differences of age in my body and I'm only 35.
     Imagine what I'll feel like when I cant even stand up from a chair on my own or walk at a decent speed or even grip a pencil.  That's gotta be hell on earth because your still you in your mind but your stuck in this old feeble prison and can't do anything for yourself.

     So bum me a smoke, crack a beer, and lets head to McDonald's because "I'm lovin' it!"

More funny posts...

Sex is harder for guys

God don't make no filth

I'm flatered, just far too lazy

Keys to happiness

       Do you wanna be happy?  I know I do. 
     I haven't pulled it off yet but they say if you can't do you should teach so let me go ahead and drop a little knowledge on the keys to happiness.
     How to achieve happiness in a relationship...Lies. 
     Its really that simple.  Lies are the key to happiness in a relationship.  Well, lies and drugs.
     People say that they want the truth but that in itself is also a lie. 
     No one wants the truth.  The truth hurts.  If you want a happy relationship you have to learn how and when to lie.  Plus like I said when all else fails turn to drugs.
     The key to happiness at work...Drugs. 
     It's either drugs or you've gotta  convince yourself that you love your job which I haven't even been able to do without the drugs so its kind of a circle.  
     People say you should think of how good you have it and how it could always be worse but that always just makes me sad.
     So like I said go with the drugs they have NEVER let me down.
     The key to happiness in public...again the answer is drugs. 
     Either drugs or teach yourself how to like people which I can't seem to do at all without the drugs.
     I'm sensing a theme in this lesson and you might be too.  It seems that maybe drugs are the real key to happiness. 
     I know that when I was young and could still get it I loved to smoke weed.  And the reason is because smoking it ALWAYS made me happy.  To me a joint was like a hug wrapped in sunshine. 
     Today its down to alcohol and nicotine which aren't as good but still effective if used properly and in large amounts.
     So my main point in this lesson would be whatever drug makes you happy do as much of it as it takes to force a smile onto your face because even though it takes more muscles to frown than smile the frown muscles are much stronger than the smiling ones.  
     But drugs make them weak. 
     So be happy and kick your frown square in the ass with lots of your favorite drugs:)

More funny from Laughing at Life...

Magic Pills

My belly shows when I raise my arms

Weights are heavy