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September 22, 2011

Weights are heavy

     I just joined a gym and I quickly found out when you sit most of the time working out is hard.  Plus its seriously screwing with my smoking.  Seriously, the first day I worked out I came out and lit a cigarette on my way to the car and immediately threw up.  Ridiculous.   What kinda smoker can't hold his smoke in public?

     They say "No pain No Gain."  But I say avoiding pain is sane.  I believe the whole reason we have pain receptors is to know what NOT to do.

     Also where is the beginners gym with people in it who look like me?  I look like a freak in that place walking around sweating just because I'm walking around.  Already out of breath and sweating just from glancing at the stair-climber.

     Will I look like these people soon or is it that someone like me joins and these people break your spirit so they can have the place all to themselves?

     I think these gyms give free memberships to the genetically gifted to lure you in and those same people intimidate you into leaving once you've paid.  If not these freaks should have to wear before pics on their t-shirts to make us fatties feel better.

     In all seriousness though I really like the gym so far.  I go really early is probably why.  None of the genetic freaks are there yet to preen around and make me feel like a failure and I'm free to be a weakling without embarrassing myself.  Its uncomfortable to be big like me but also weak like a pre-pubescent girl.  I'm the kind of strong you get from sitting still and I'm that kind of big too.  Its misleading to the eyes to see my 240lb 6ft tall frame straining to curl 20lbs dumbbell's.  Especially since everyone knows you just started and this is only rep five set one and your already sweating and grunting like a rookie sailor after lights out.
     I do sweat like a pig.  Its awful.  So after working out I need a shower.  This is another area where coming in early works out good because being less than well endowed I am shy.

     I feel I should clarify for the ladies.  I wouldn't say its small but whether y'all realize this or not some guys just dangle better.  I have never been a dangler.  I'm a grower but no dangler.  Game time I sprout right up like a champ but pre-game he mostly just kicks it inside.  He's a scruncher my Lil guy.  Some guys are blessed with wieners that look good soft but I'm not one of them. 

     So basically I'm shower shy.  I am not comfortable parading around naked anywhere much less in public so showering at the gym presents its challenges.  That is a scary couple of seconds for me between dropping the towel and pulling up the drawers.  it all happens so fast but it feels like days that my wiener is just exposed.  Just out there in the breeze representing the scared turtle wiener crowd.

     All in all the gym membership is going great.  Its only been two weeks though.  Lemme make it through six months and 20lbs before we call it a success but its a start and any forward motion is good.  I really hope I stick with it this time and the genetic freaks and large wienered locker room streakers don't run me off to hide in my old world of TV and Twinkies.  Because quite frankly I'd love to see my wiener while it still works without a damn mirror to get the angle.

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