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June 17, 2012

Laughing News, vol 2

Laughing News,
Comedy News You Can Trust For Free

Today, in Headlines..,

UCLA study on Married Women's  ass sizes reveals a disturbing discovery.., 

 Theory's and results from latest and best ever study show LN News that ... 

    Recent studies have revealed that a chemical found in the gold of women's wedding rings causes a 15% annual drop in overall sex drive in women.  A 20% yearly increase in girth, increases tending to generally be in butt size and the mid and lower gunt area.  "Sometimes both, but always one.", Scientist Micheal Camden was quoted as saying on the girth increase findings. 
    Later, off camera, and having a cigarette with LN camera man Al Sterling he went on to say, 'Man Al, we was talking about those findings having to do with that Gold and Al we were just fkn lightly glazing the surface and I swear Al, Fk that Gold',
     Al said the guy like growled the last bit and was just pissed at Gold,  "It was intense dude seemed really super
pissed when he scrunched his face up all angry and flicked his cigarette," all said and according to Camera man 'Big' Al Sterling that cig flick might have just been the best ever mad cigarette flick he had seen but, he was positive it was by far the saddest. "Guy was sad," Al said. "Him being so sad made me sad too and soon we were both mad at Gold" Al added. Guy's were mostly all pissed at Gold was what this LN reporter noticed around the offices.  
     What Gold had been doing to Men dirty. Like what they say I did to Bubba, Terry 'Hulk' Hogan himself, might think if he had hurt his friend the way Gold was doing Men now. He'd sit for moment and just stare at a picture of his Gold Championship Belt. As he stared down looking at his World Champion Belt and saw good things were also gold the 'Hulkster' would realize it wouldn't be as bad as what people said he did to Bubba its worse. Because brother, he's realize, if he did those things to Bubba it wouldn't have been close cuz one Bubba's old lady had wanted it, She asked him to always he wouldn't have to rape her.
But, Gold was raping Men. It had been been for years, it was awful how hard Gold raped Men.  For no reason. 
Then two, He was telling the truth mostly but Gold always lies. Gold never did tell any truth.

Obese Man Banned From Buffet

An obese man left an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet Tuesday night, well before he had eaten All-He-Could...

     "He Go!  He Go Now! He Too Fat! He Eat Too Much!", 'Hot Wok' Owner Chow Sun Pak yelled screaming like a pissed and more than likely wild loon in his hilarious accent as he violently swung a broom at and chased out, Stupid! Eat Too Much! ", Customer ejected from    'All You Can Eat' Chinese buffet restaurant, sources say the owner 'All You Can Eat' Chinese Buffet Restaurant, ejected the obese man, well before he had eaten "All -He_Could- Eat "He Go Now! He Too Fat! Eat Too Much! ", Customer ejected from   
     In Tallahassee Florida on Tuesday Bill Paxton, an obese man from north Chicago, was ejected from the 'Hot Wok' Chinese All-You-Can-Eat restaurant by Owner Chow Sun Pak.  "He eat so much.  He is a very fat man.  He eat too much food and stay too many hours and he no leave." Pak told reporters.
Most fat guys see 'All you can eat" as a challange
     A little Laughing News polling of the local Buffets found this to be a common problem.  Hometown Buffet Manager Ty Biggins had this to say on obese customers, "It's hard to look at the way these mammoths eat in this environment.  It's like an open bar for alchohlics with mashed potatoes and gravy.
     Suzy Littleton a Golden Corral waitress was once trampled by a herd of obese customers and nearly ran over last September by a huge porker on a rascal heading to the buffet line for his 5th pair of plates.  "It was so gross"  Suzy said of the event, "Scary too but they were so fat I mostly just didn't want to touch them."  Suzy thought for a moment and added, "The whale on the rascal had scared her really bad."  Suzy say's late at night sometimes she can actually still hear that giant goo monster wheezing as he blocked out her world like an eclipse.

News 2 GO,

No Call, No Show Love 

     Local University freshman, Dirk McGinley, totally banged the big and also kinda homely looking BBW writer girl that a lot of the Local U campus guys seemed to end up striking out and ending up with for a last ditch drunk impulse bang before passing out Sophomore Bee Ann Holden, missionary style during a frat party last Saturday but still hasn't called her or even told anyone and still denies it and also hasn't even admitted it to anybody yet.
.  Sources also say he has failed to even call ugly fat girl, Bree Ann Holden, even though its been 6 days since the party.   Bree told Laughing News reporters tearfully, "He also completely avoids me at lunch.  It's like he won't even look at me anymore." she then took another huge spoonful of her at least 2nd pint of Chunky Monkey ice cream of the that night, hurt but completely oblivious to the point of the lesson here about why the boy's weren't calling the obese girl back. 
     Sadly this BBW seemed doomed to be a fat last resort bang forever.  Her sadness really got to this Laughing News reporters as he watched her big fat lips on the spoon.  They seemed to reveal a deep sadness in her soul that was like a scary glimpse into her miserable future. 
Freshman Dirk McGinely could not be reached for comment he just kept sending our calls to voicemail.  Most of his buddies say he is still denying it though but, he totally banged her. 
     Travis Hickman another frat guy from the same party, told Laughing News this about it, "Ya, Dirk did got on that.  Dude was fkn drunk as shit though but yeah he did, and honestly he actually bangs Big Bree a lot after he gets all sloshed but this time was classic because he even made out with her big ass out in the open before AND after on the couch in front of everybody and they couldn't keep their hands off each other".  Then added, "Fkn telling her he loved and caressing her big ass and shit until he finally passed out on her fat rolls.",the other total douche and  Local U frat kid added and offered to even pull up the clip on YouTube for Laughing News. We declined  to view the clip, even though Travis mentioned it has over a million hits already on YouTube here's the link .
    " Dirk must have been really drunk man but he did it though", and the pictures in Travis's  phone proved it.  LN news even  has to agree that the one pic of  Dirk's drooling face as he layed there all passed out drunk in her massive back fat with hand drawn sharpie penises all over his face was hilarious, even if i was also kind of sad too.

Strong Hard Wiener, Are you giving her enough  Most wives and girlfriends my wife knows don't get enough. Does yours? Find out. Click here and learn some good strokes then you can even go read some jokes, we got like tons of them.

      Harvard studies have shown that ordering a large Diet Coke in the drive-thru does not give you a free pass to then eat anything else you want on the fast food menu and still be cutting calories.  "For years the obese have seen Diet Coke as a free pass, when in fact your ass will still get fatter on a fast food diet even if you only drink water." Professor Arthur Langsten said adding, "The 160 calories from a full strength medium fountain soda means very little when they are compared to the already 2000 calorie super sized  #4 combo for lunch.  The extra large fries alone is enough to seize up a small dogs heart, so who are these people kidding chasing all that grease with a Diet Coke thinking it somehow makes it all okay?"  Laughing News asked many local fast-food workers, and while they all knew of the epidemic, none truly understood it.  "Most fat people are just really stupid."   Burger King drive thru associate Amanda Wilkins best guess, and this reporter would have to agree.

A man in Climax Springs, MO  believes he has discovered the secret to the lottery and the key to actually winning it, click her to read his full theory and let's all win the lottery, Winning!


BBW Bree Ann's Dieting and Lifestyle tips,,

    Bree Ann is is an expert on being fat and dieting.  Fat for 26 years, Bree Ann knows all of the new trends and diets and has even tries most of them.  Plus just because Bree's ass only ever gets fatter, her dieting tips do work great for everybody else.
This month Bree's on the Atkins diet,
     Hey guys it's Bree again, and It's day seven on the Atkins diet for me and I've already lost 17 lbs!  I'm still down a little though because my favorite jeans still don't fit yet and that guy from the party, Dirk still hadn't called yet like he said he would. I was looking forward to his call because after the love making we cuddled on the couch, he looked so cute I couldn't wake him, even when the guys were drawing all over his face...oh well maybe he will. Anyways send me an email if you have a question about Atkins stuff or dieting, because there is no reason  that my knowledge shouldn't at least be used to help you other girls with willpower though your dieting so hit me up at BBWBree@aol.com with any questions.
     An Atkins treat I am trying this week is the Peanut Caramel Cluster, its a really good snack for those out of control cravings. The Carmel is really good and the peanuts are wonderful, so satisfying.  Check em out if you love nuts like me here's the link for more info just go to Atkins.com
     TTFN until next time
Confession Booth Tales, 

     Catholic Priest's Interact with many children of God in their work spreading Gods word and sometimes, like in the confessions in the confession booth that we're wild and Confession Both Tales gives these Mean of God a forum to share these great confessions in a safe and fun way. The things Priests hear in confession booths can be mind blowing and these Fathers want like crazy to share these stories and, now  on CBT they can.

Today on Confession Booth Tales we have  Father O'Hannigan with us of Holy Mother Catholic with this confession to share with us today,

     "Hello Laughing News readers. I have never visited your site for myself of course but must admit I had to jump at this opportunity to share the great confessions I get to hear in those confession booths.  I hear some mind blowing erotic wild stuff we all do probably, sinners are weak and in the booth you learned just how creative they were as well and I usually have nobody to share it all with.  The best confession I can think of out of the highlights from just last week alone came from a person I had never expected or imagined would do this.
     This man has a beautiful family and seems so Ward Cleaver-ish he's got three beautiful kids and I'm a man of God and abstain from sin but his wife is smoking hot.  Like Playboy hot.  This family man who had always seemed so goody-goody and happily married had come into the booth and proved all that was wrong when he confessed about cheating on his wife.
     The guy, let's just call him Ward Cleaver for something to call him slides back the little door kneels down and says,
     'Father I committed Adultery.'  So far normal confession might even be an interesting one so I said, 'Continue my son', and the floodgates flew open as he began with, "When I walked into the kitchen our baby sitter was just waiting for me completely naked with a glass of my scotch for me and God help me that 19 year old girls naked body was just so stunning, my knees buckled when I saw her gorgeous breasts all perked up Father, I tried but I'd never seen such a beautiful naked tanned tight little 19 year old body so naked before.  I tried to run out of the room but it was too late and Satan must have seen the sexy young vixen all naked and served up like that and just grabbed me Father because it was like I was possessed.  I knew I shouldn't but I sure did though and hard, on the kitchen table."
     At this point I'm like OMFG!, because this confession was smoking hot. Abstinent but a heterosexual priest, rare as that it is, he was after all only a man, I was having trouble focusing on my role because the guy in me is all right there you know. For a second I was so with this lucky sinner I almost forgot but then caught myself and added, "Proceed my son."
     Ward Cleaver did and the confession continued, 'OK Father, it's just hard to think back on all the things he had done with the smoking hot young babysitter and she had done to him.  I feel so awful about all of it but in all these stories the sex is just also so kinky and animal. It's hard thinking bout how hard old Satan had a hold of me as I ravished the tight little teen. I just said such dirty things you know. I'm ashamed.'
     The man stopped, clearly upset but I was hooked now so I said, 'Is that all my son,'
      That did it, the man began crying, 'Father, I wish it was. No matter how good or hard or filthy me and that young gorgeous girl had sex that demon in me still wanted more and more and drilled her up till before Her Mom came to get her. 'I thought it was over Father.  I really did but her Mom came in to get the babysitter and during smalltalk she just all the sudden placed her hand on his crotch. Its shocked me Father, I didn't expect her to do that, before I could react her joined in too and next thing I know I'm banging a Mother, Daughter team like a crazy man.
     I was not even myself Father which is how I know it was some kind of demon that had me because I haven't ever had sex with any of these women but I've had sex before and it had never been like this had. He was never so amazing at sex. 
     I destroyed those girls till they passed out and then went to take out the trash when my neighbor Rich's super hot trophy wife was also outside. I was just tossing some trash Father but I got to talking to her and all the sudden I'm banging her hard with her bent over Rich's Bentley...
     I could go on and on. This guy blew my mind and there's way more. Honestly, about the man being possessed by a sex demon Father O'Hannigan couldn't be sure but, it was a hot confession it was like I was there with him as he banged all those hot girls so hard, he had to remember himself though and he gave the man his hail Mary's and punishment but man that one was hot.
     I think about ward's amazing story often late at night alone, sometimes I even wonder if old Ward's wife went for the sex demon thing.  Mostly he just tried to picture what color bow the tight little naked teen had in her hair in that kitchen.\
     Hope you enjoyed it and thanks for the opportunity to share these tales. God Bless you my children, and especially you dirty sinners. I got my eyes on you.., 
This has been Confession Booth Tales from LN on L@L, if you'd like a transcript print this. If you don't have a printer then I don't know write it down. It's right there in words. 

Questions are answered all the time so get out there and go find your questions answer today for once.
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Ln News is written all by writer Shawn Yankey who, we really need to start getting paid for all this funny.

That blogger's broke..Not just that but Funny this Funny is Never Free. Spread the word up, on L@L and help Fund the Funny!!!

Read about how someone really should pay Shawn in our news special features section for all people who pay close attention. Congratulations,....
You either got lucky or you were told or just payed really good attention but you found us so,

Welcome to Shadow's Backpage,

The last word on LN news from the streets, by the streets, from the whitest ganster pimp treading these tracks...
Discuus the Trust and Comedy of LN news back here
Today on Shadows Backpage here hidden in LNvol2 Shadow asks these streets about the news LN told them with these words, and the streets had replied,

     "Only the truest natural born pimps would ever be able to understand a player like Shawn Yankey. People wonder why writer/comedian Shawn Yankey hustles so hard everyday like he does and just gives so much clever hilarious original funny shit away to the world once they heard he hasn't gotten paid for a single word. 
     "I thought for sure Shawn Yankey rich," Jon Stewart said shocked when he discovered that in fact no one was paying Shawn anything. "You gotta be fucking kidding me," Stewart exclaimed shocked and offended when he was told the news of comedian and writer Shawn Yankey's extreme poverty. He seemed to lose his balance a little and leaned for support against his desk after being told.  After a few seconds he added ___.  "Fuck. your serious Aren't you?" Once he knew it was true he just said ___, "Son of a bitch man, that's fucked up."  He leaned there against his desk and just shook his head slowly and sadly and said, "Shawn's probably the funniest writer on the planet. I always that it was weird that I never saw him on a boat or walking around like a boss with his huge entourage but always just assumed that just meant he wasn't a jackass. I had no idea he was poor" Stewart said. "I mean, I've never told anybody this because it's kind of silly but, every time I read anything from his blogs I always felt a sense deep inside after that must I owe money for how funny and inspiring it alwas but, I'd look for how to pay and it was always free. I still kinda felt guilty deep down that I really should have paid something for reading his stuff. Even the fiction one. I even almost did start to find a way to pay him in someway for being so funny. I never did though. No one did. Hell, I don't remember ever even taking the time to hit 'Like' or share and comment even and help get him huge I just assumed because he was so amazing it had been taken care of.  We screwed that dude." He stood there a second silent then said, "Every time someone super cool and fucking awesome or amazing like Shawn comes along we always fuck it up. We killed him by forgetting to pay him. We didn't even hit 'Like'. It's tragic. I mean, I knew how scared everyone was of him but I never even dreamed no one had paid him." Stewart added staring blankly as if in a trance.
Right as we were sure he was done talking and started to walk away he whispered, "We owe his wife too many millions just for the how great her husband was but if I'm her lawyer I'm counter suing for how hard she got fucked when everyone just watched as his fans just watched him become homeless.  and die penniless. Those people fucked like her whole family only hard and prison style to the butt cuz Shawn was great and they had plenty of time to have gotten him payed and a lot of them had money."
He sat trance like a few more seconds and then his eyes cleared up and we finally felt it was safe to leave. Most people couldn't understand Shawn still grinding but
     Legendary master Pimp "Sweet Money" Cleval 9train Jones did, street master and an expert on pimping and being a legend knew, "That pimp's gonna get paid for all that shit. Plus interest.", Cleval smiled in a scary but knowing way with an obvious pride for the comedian. "I don't care how white he is, that natural born pimp like Shawn may end up owning the Internet. "He goin be rich, don't you worry."
"Sweet Money" Jones then kissed two finger and smooth as a pimp put them to the sky and whispered something that was no doubt cool. The he pulled a joint from what looked to this reporter to be a spot in his lower crotch that had to be well under his balls and by the way the pimp was digging so deep our reporter guessed way back by the asshole too. He lit the joint and said on of the most pimp ass thing's I've ever heard on the streets, "I don't like the look in his eyes at all. They waited to long to pay that pimp. Every pimp knows that look. I ain't never seen a pimp that mad but he definitely looks like he's plotting at roughing up the hoe or hoe's  responsible for not having been playing their roles and supporting their pimp. Natural Pimps run a stable well and in a true pimps stable the pimp is the king, his bitches were all like, well, have you seen Sister Wives?, No. OK well it's kind of like they are his Arabian princesses just a little different, because quite a few hoes are more average rarely hot and never more than 7's tops, but kinda like both the four great big women from Sister Wives and the princesses too in the way that in all it was like a family with a pimps stable and hoes too. The Pimp would put the product on the street and the hoes brought back money to her pimp to build their pimp and their stable. Hoe's were sposta rise their pimp up. In the pimp game that look is well known. That pimps hoe's fitting to get fkd up.  Trust me. Y'all better pay that pimp soon.  I'd do it fast.
LN Reporter and Laughing News agree.  So did everyone at Laughing at Life really 123% we all agreed with what Jon Stewart and gangster ass and scary but kinda cool too you know, dangerous but, handsome inmate #334D57 would have probably said  the legendary street hustling Pimp, "Sweet Money" Jones and Jon Stewart said 123% and knew that if comedy and entertainment never gave Shawn all his Internet money like they should have and needed too soon but they never did and they used him and raped his lovely words and let him became homeless and starve and killed Shawn. The look I'm seeing already done tells be the hoe's late with his money better hurry but were still already getting a famous beating for how long that pimp's waited to get paid. Shit, pimp like that blogger, "I can't even imagine something as awful as if those hoe's don't show up at all." if "Sweet Water" was real he would like twirl a razor blade on his tounge or some kind of ganster ass cool things but he was pretend and only said, "That pimp sparkled like diamonds.  The world needs a shinny pimp's like White Shadow and, if we don't get Shawn paid, we could fucking lose all those jokes and words and all that free funny shit. Y'all better get that pimp paid. Y'all could fuck over some greats and just squeeze em dry and use em real cheap a while sometimes but even the very shiniest, brightest or even the sparkliest Pimp could never pimp the same without getting paid. Pimp's need to be paid to pimp right. "Start paying him or y'all are going to kill that pimp's funny and I read that shit all day. "I'll kill you first when I get out if I can't read that blogger's word's on the toilet in the free world ever again. Get Shawn Paid.
The rest of you, click 'Like' and share buttons, give a Google+, too Shawn likes those a lot. Leave comments, he would love that sh*t.  I would too and he's me so for Christ sake do it I mean, come on?!? It's absolutely nothing we're asking for here really just spread the word and it would also just mean the f*cking WORLD to Shawn not to mention just be a really cool thing to do that most cool people did when they liked or appreciated things people did.  Or be a jerk and don't.  I can't force you just steal the funny from your pimp. Get your free laughs.  Yuck that shit up too. By all means enjoy, but don't take any effort to help share and grow the blog and blow it up huge and get Shawn Paid so he could write in the shade.  You're busy, it's NBD, just use and enjoy and then just leave as always, Don't participate at all or support Shawn, don't go out of your way at all. Just get up and go. The rest of you need to help round here,  help get him and me our fat sacks of Internet money and we'll have all our great words for reading and laughs, Shawn has fat stacks and Cadillacs and shined extra bright, he even glowed in the dark he shined so bright and we all had something funny for Reading in the bathroom that was 152% funnier than any knock-knock- joke, or Playboy cartoon.
stand shines bright fr all
It would be cool if y'all did but for real, we gonna have to find a way to get our writer paid to fund this funny soon. It's hard to write jokes with no running water.
Do your part! Get Shawn Paid!
Keep Your Funny
by helping us grow and blowup to,
Fund This Funny

It's true though, I should be getting paid, that's it for vol2, , thanks for reading..,

Your bonus prize is below, It's more funny words.

Thanks...and as always, your welcome.

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