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May 12, 2012

Cap'n Crunch

     Cap'n Crunch is one ruthless S.O.B..  He is well aware that his cereal cuts the hell out of the roof of your mouth and he just simply does not care.  He's a jerk.
     Just look at that smug ass smile on his face...he knows damn well he's not putting that spoonful of golden razors into his mouth.  My God, just look how calm he is in that picture.  He knows he ain't eating that.  That's as far as that spoon is going you can tell from the lack of fear in his eyes.  Everyone who eats Cap'n Crunch knows it's gonna hurt like hell yet I see no fear in those big blue eyes at all.  No concern at all really.  Now, you can fake a big 'ol eager smile real easy but faking trust, especially in your eyes is a whole lot harder to do and in this picture you can clearly see that his mouth definitely trusts his hand to not actually put that spoon inside it or there would be fear in those eyes.  Cap'n Crunch knows damn well he wouldn't eat Cap'n Crunch cereal but he'll sure trick as many kids as he can into doing just that.  Cutting their mouths up no problem.  Because Cap'n Crunch is an asshole...

     Now don't get me wrong here.  Cap'n Crunch's cereal is delicious.  I love it.  It hurts to eat it for sure, but it really is very tasty.  I'm also not the only one that thinks so.  It's a very popular cereal.  Lots and lots of people eat it every day for breakfast so its gotta be pretty good being that they all know it cuts your mouth up so damn bad but they eat it anyway willingly.  Cap'n Crunch is painful to eat.  That's a fact so it should be a dead give away right there that it's delicious just for it to have stayed so popular for so long, over 40 something years it's been cutting the shit out of the roves of peoples mouths and they all just keep coming back for more and more so you can only imagine how good it must be. 
     It's delicious.  I can recommend eating it for sure but if you do remember to drink your orange juice first.  That's an important tip most people won't tell you but its true.  If you wait to drink it after the acid in the OJ will play hell on your freshly shredded mouth.  Cap'n Crunch is tasty but it's ruthless.
     My point here is not to tell you whether or not you should enjoy Cap'n Crunch's delicious cereal.  That's up to you entirely.  Eat it, don't eat it, either way.  My objective here was simply just to point out once and for all that Cap'n Crunch the man is a jerk and a liar and he sucks. 
     He's a liar for sure because he has never once admitted to the fact that his cereal shreds mouths when he knows damn well it does and he's a jerk because he doesn't even warn you with an evil wink or nothing.  Ruthless!  Try to eat a spoonful of Cap'n Crunch going in as fearless and eager as that liar is in that picture and you'll never do it again.  You gotta be cautious to enjoy the Cap'n.  He is not preparing you to eat that cereal at all.  Your mouth is fkd you eat it that way.  Be careful. 
     F U Cap'n Crunch.  F U in the A.

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